Why marriage can be so hard

All modern social indicators tell us that the success of marriage in the U.S. is still very unhealthy. Although the divorce rate is dropping, much of that is because less people are getting married. A quick AI Overview search reveals the following::

• Although divorce rates have dropped significantly from their peak in the early 1980s, about 41-50% of first marriages still end in divorce.
• Decreased divorce rates are attributed to later marriage rates, higher cohabitation rates, and better financial stability among younger couples.
• Women initiate a ‘significant’ majority of divorces, often cited around 70%. An American Sociological Association study notes that this rate jumps to 90% for college-educated women.

It should be noted that a higher cohabitation rate does not decrease the divorce rate because cohabitation helps people have longer marriages. The data shows the opposite, as I outlined in my article on cohabitation. The divorce rate drops because people just don’t get married to begin with.

So, why is marriage so hard? Why is the companionship we want the most so elusive? The answer lies in God’s purpose for marriage. Yes, He did design it for both companionship (Genesis 2:18) and reproduction. It is meant to be delightful and deeply satisfying. But… the caveat is that something has gone wrong in human nature. The Biblical doctrine for this is called The Fall. Our nature has been corrupted by sin. And the more intimate the relationship, the more that corruption has the potential to manifest itself. Flaws in human nature aren’t usually revealed in isolation, only in relationships. And so, because of the Fall, we must understand that there is another purpose God has for marriage, and that is character development. And we must understand that the other things we want from marriage – companionship, partnership, the legacy of emotionally healthy children, etc., only come on the other side of character development. If we embrace the character development, we can experience the rewards.

And so, marriage becomes the great reveal. It reveals US – our fears, our selfishness, our insecurities, our laziness, our pride. It is the last one, our pride, that determines whether we will succeed in this great endeavor called marriage. We can embrace these unwelcome revelations (I didn’t know I was selfish), or we can deny and deflect (why can’t you just let me be me?) This is not easy. Nothing really good ever is. But it IS possible. If we embrace the process, it tends to get much easier as time goes on. As I write this, our marriage is forty six years in and counting (that’s us in the picture above). The sailing is much smoother now than earlier. The love is stronger with each passing year. I am grateful that we never quit the process, either by going our separate ways, or just checking out. That’s what the understanding of covenant does (another earlier article).

One of the great motivations for embracing this process of self improvement and development is to first come into a covenant with God Himself. One of the problems we’ve seen in marriages is that the couple attempts to find in the relationship something that only God can provide. Only God can show you who you are. Only God can fill in the deficits of a broken childhood, especially father deficits. The companionship we crave can only ultimately be met by Him. Communion with Him is the foundation by which we are able to have closeness to others, especially our husband or wife. Receiving His forgiveness enables us to forgive our mates, something we will have to do often. Relationships, especially marriage, is really more about giving than receiving. Ironically, we find more satisfaction when we understand this. And to continue to be able to keep giving, we need to be in a life giving relationship with God, Who keeps giving to us. If you have not entered into that relationship, it must be done intentionally. It does not just happen. Here is some guidance on how to do that.

I have conducted hundreds of weddings, the vast majority of them ending in successful long term marriages. We have counseled many couples as well. We have seen great victories there as well. Your marriage does not have to be the victim of the modern trends. The deep companionship you desire and were made for can be yours.