People get hurt if you adopt the wrong view
Some of this is taken from my chapter Paganism and Marriage in my book, Modern Paganism.
You have to be living in a cave to not know that for some time now marriage, in the traditional sense, has been under assault. When I make this statement, I know what many of you are thinking. But long before the pagans in government took it upon themselves to change the definition of marriage from being only between a man and a woman, the traditional Christian definition of marriage had been deteriorating for decades.
It really started in the 1960’s and 1970’s, both with the ‘sexual revolution’ and the advent of ‘no fault divorce’. It may surprise you to know (it did me) that that the first governor to sign no fault divorce into law was Ronald Reagan, the hero of modern conservatism. His goal was not to diminish the importance of marriage, but to “eliminate the strife and deception often associated with the legal regime of fault-based divorce.”[1] Reagan went on to state he felt like it was “one of the biggest mistakes of his political life.” [2] Whether you agree with Reagan or not on this issue, it is undisputable that divorce has skyrocketed since then and has lost most of its social stigma. Today people are more reluctant to tell you of a financial failure than the failure of a marriage.
As I outline in my book, marriage as we currently understand it came from our Christian heritage. The unique aspects of a Christian marriage are the expected faithfulness of the husband and the wife to each other (unknown in ancient Rome and Greece prior to the coming of Christianity), and a sense of accountability of the couple to live their lives, including their marriage, by the precepts of the Christian faith. Thus, the tradition of having the wedding in the church.
Although Christianity redeemed and purified the concept of marriage from paganism, the rise of modern paganism (the theme of my book) means that many marriages today are more pagan than Christian, including those with a church wedding. What does that mean? What are the differences? By way of reminder, I define modern paganism as a life governed by personal desires, instincts, and the culture at large, rather than by the dictates of a higher authority, namely scripture.
Covenant and Compatibility
The defining issue of a Christian marriage is centered on this idea of covenant. Covenant is a permanent, irrevocable commitment to the other, except under conditions of clear unfaithfulness. Christianity itself is a covenant, between God and man. The New Testament is another name for the “New Covenant” (see the book of Hebrews to see how the New is contrasted with the Old Covenant). In the case of marriage, the covenant or commitment is to be carried out except in cases of adultery and abandonment, as delineated in the New Testament. Physical abuse is considered a form of abandonment by most Christian leaders today, as it necessitates the physical abandonment of the victim(s) from the perpetrator.
While most pagan marriages would agree with the above conditions for divorce, the primary issue for a pagan marriage is ‘compatibility.’ Dictionary.com defines compatibility as “the natural ability to live or work together in harmony because of well-matched characteristics”. Notice a couple of terms here. The ‘natural’ ability. ‘Well-matched’ characteristics. The assumption here is natural compatibility. Natural compatibility is an important quality to look for. Similarity in economic and family backgrounds, and other things that can lead to unspoken similar expectations can go a long way to harmony and marital bliss. Even in our church, which teaches and practices the Chistian view of marriage, which is based on covenant, we require a premarital process for those married by our pastors, to ferret out any potential major sources of conflict, as well as to insure the couple is truly committed to the Christian faith.
However, compatibility is not the main issue in a Christian view of marriage. Covenant is designed to transcend those kind of differences. The primary reason today given for those seeking divorce in the ‘no fault’ divorce era is ‘irreconcilable differences’. The couple that got married saying, ‘you’re so right for me’ is now saying, ‘you’re so wrong for me’. How and why does this happen? The answer seems to lie in a false view of compatibility, which lies in our natural ability. If this commitment requires me to bend too much, I’m out.
A Christian view of covenant is based on a couple of truths. One is the fallenness of human nature, which the forced intimacy of marriage can reveal like nothing else. I once thought of myself as a very unselfish person, until I was married. As pride is part of the fallen human nature as taught in scripture, it must be them, not me, that’s causing the problem. The teaching of covenant forced me to reconcile those ‘irreconcilable differences’, or stay miserable, because I was going to stay married as a result of my commitment to covenant. It forces me to look at my issues. A condition of ‘compatibility’ for marriage is a very fluid condition indeed. It allows us to indulge our selfish, fickle natures, and blame it on the other when it doesn’t work. A commitment to covenant allows a wide range of differences to exist in a ‘good’ marriage, as has been the case for centuries before our recent pivot from covenant to compatibility and our personal happiness as being the condition for everything, including our modern ideas about marriage.
The pagan looks at the issue of covenant as being the condition of marriage as stifling or restrictive. You mean Christianity teaches me that I’m supposed to stay in an unhappy marriage?! Well…maybe. Or perhaps covenant means you work through the challenges of marriage. The Christian recognizes that we all have flaws, many times hidden in blind spots. Two people who commit to live life on God’s terms will have an amazingly fulfilled marriage. The kindness, humility, serving, forgiveness, faith and love taught by the Christian faith brings a rich quality of life when practiced.
“There’s no such thing as a healthy marriage. There are only healthy people.”
This is a phrase I’ve coined in counseling marriages. A commitment to covenant is meant to force self-examination and personal growth. The God Who created these rules in not punishing us for our sinfulness. He is using the challenges of living out a covenantal marriage for my own good. This is not to mention the even greater good that a stable marriage does for our children. The data is overwhelming that children who grow up in a two parent household fare far better overall in every metric of life.
Another truth about covenant is that it is unto God, not just to my mate. The Christian tradition is that the vows are said not to just each other but to God. This transcends the flowery poetry that passes for vows we hear today. “You are my sunrise…” As a Christian, I’ve always understood I would answer to God for how I lived with and loved my wife, as well as with my children. An accountability to God is the vertical dimension missing in so many lives, leaving us to flounder in our own dim wisdom, fickle motivation, and inadequate strength. This vertical dimension is the real secret to the Christian view of marriage. I’ve always been thankful for the clear boundaries prescribed by scripture, that keeps me from making foolish decisions, and leaving destroyed lives in my wake, while I go ‘find myself’. That’s one of the definitions of the ‘fear of the Lord’. It means God knows more than me, no matter what I feel at the moment. It is ‘restricting’, and yet incredibly stabilizing, to me and my entire family. Accountability to God means I’m no longer at the mercy of transient feelings and desires.
The New Testament version of accountability is more than a law that I keep, but a relationship that keeps me. That is what grace is. Forgiveness yes, but also empowerment. Communion with Him that fills the void that no human, even a wonderful spouse, can ever truly fill.
[1] https://www.nationalaffairs.com/publications/detail/the-evolution-of-divorce
[2] ibid
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